So I am taking signing lessons because... well, I want to. Also I needed to work on supported voice for acting and this seemed like a really great way to do it. It has been interesting and I have made a few discoveries. Like I am a soprano - I seem to be able to make what feels freakishly high notes come out of my person. So, yeah that was a surprise. Also that my tendency to hold back has translated in literally leaning back. My posture is weight back in the heels, shoulders almost behind hips, and of course slouching (stupid desk job). This was a shock. I really thought I stood up straight, leaned in if you will. Yeah. Not so much. Actually I just realized that I am standing all back right now as I write this. Sigh.
Fixing the physical posture is one thing (sort of) but can I fix that without getting to the bottom of why I hold it in - what is it at the root of my needing to be a control freak? And why do I think that somehow holding back some of myself is even remotely helpful? The whole posture of leaning away and slouching is a heart protecting stance - why am I even doing that. Well, I write this as a way of shoving myself out of the protection zone - really it is a good bet that no one will read it in my tiny corner of the internet but this is still in the realm of emotions I would normally stuff down and protect (or hide).
It is funny how you can be the person you are without really understanding why you are that way.
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