Rehearsal is the work

We opened last weekend. It went well really. I was exhausted.

I arrived for preview wiped out. I haven't seen my friends in a month, never mind my family. I am FRIED. I am thinking "Why and the hell do I do this? I am killing myself. I just would really like to sit in front of the TV and drink beer for a night." Tired.

And then I go on. I am alive. Awake. Ready for more. I love this. I don't even know why - maybe I am just an attention whore (see also: has a blog) but god do I love it. Michael Caine says in his book Acting in Film "Rehearsal is the work, performance is the release." and he is so very right. I am probably paraphrasing the line (ha), and as I remember he was actually quoting someone else. But the point is solid and true (note to self: re-read book). At the end of weeks of rehearsal I am spent and can't remember why it is that I am doing this crazy crap.

And then we open, and there is the release of performing. All the work in the rehearsal pays off and you get to live in this (usually intense) moment of someone else's life. So I look for the next audition and keep going.

But really, what am I afraid of?

Nearly every week in my voice work there comes a point where my coach asks me "what are you afraid of? Let it out!" In the moment I can never put my finger on it "I don't know," I just don't seem to be able to get out of my own way. But really, I do know what it is... fear of not being good enough. If I keep it in, it can't be judged. If I hold back, I won't go to far and get it wrong.

Cripes, is it hard to get past.

I am the typical first born, A student, everything has to be perfect all the time or I failed type-A pain in the ass personality. So yeah fear it won't be good enough is practically core to my being. Easy to say, really difficult to actually deal with. There is an interesting twist though - it doesn't rule my day job the way I find it dominating me in my artistic work. Something goes sideways at work and my reaction is generally "Shit that didn't work, I'll try something else". Get into art... I am afraid enough that I don't push it in the first place. Sometimes I don't fully commit because I am afraid to not be good enough. Which, by the way, is idiotic because in most cases only by fully committing will you be good enough. Again, easy to understand intellectually, very hard (for me) to actually live.

No real solution here, just admitting the fear is there to be faced... Step one?

Edit: Almost two weeks has lapsed since I wrote this post. Fear... so powerful. Here we go post button...