Where did she go?

Rehearsal, that's where.

Right now my life is work, eat, rehearse, repeat. Tonight we are going to squeeze in three runs so that we can have tomorrow "off." If that sounds exhausting that is because it is. "Off" in quotes because I am hosting tomorrow and while I have help, it is still mostly me.

In the works I have a post about sausage rolls (No, not pigs in a blanket. Those are totally different.). And we are brining the turkey for the first time ever, followed by the "roast the turkey on the grill" method I made up last year because I have one lonely oven. So, I'll let you know how that goes...

Doing Christmas shows seemed like such a good idea at the time.

Speaking of which (incoming shameless self promotion) if you live in the Seattle area you can check us out starting Dec 5. Show and ticket info from Stone Soup Theatre's site.

But really, what am I afraid of?

Nearly every week in my voice work there comes a point where my coach asks me "what are you afraid of? Let it out!" In the moment I can never put my finger on it "I don't know," I just don't seem to be able to get out of my own way. But really, I do know what it is... fear of not being good enough. If I keep it in, it can't be judged. If I hold back, I won't go to far and get it wrong.

Cripes, is it hard to get past.

I am the typical first born, A student, everything has to be perfect all the time or I failed type-A pain in the ass personality. So yeah fear it won't be good enough is practically core to my being. Easy to say, really difficult to actually deal with. There is an interesting twist though - it doesn't rule my day job the way I find it dominating me in my artistic work. Something goes sideways at work and my reaction is generally "Shit that didn't work, I'll try something else". Get into art... I am afraid enough that I don't push it in the first place. Sometimes I don't fully commit because I am afraid to not be good enough. Which, by the way, is idiotic because in most cases only by fully committing will you be good enough. Again, easy to understand intellectually, very hard (for me) to actually live.

No real solution here, just admitting the fear is there to be faced... Step one?

Edit: Almost two weeks has lapsed since I wrote this post. Fear... so powerful. Here we go post button...

The 12 Year Gap (AKA Do you know what Ribena is?)

I am 12 years older than my brother with no siblings in between. He was in Kindergarden when I moved out. We both had only child experiences growing up. Obviously we are quite different - he is a millennial, I am genX. I vividly remember getting our first computer; he has no memory of a time when we didn't have at least one computer in the house. That said, I really thought this was the extent of our differences. We are siblings in the same family at the end of the day...

Wrong. 

I just spent the last two weeks in the UK with my extended family. It is the first time my brother and I have been over together, as adults.

Wow.

If ever there was an experience that served to highlight that I am not totally culturally American and my brother is... There are all sorts of British cultural references that I understand that he is totally clueless about. It was actually shocking. I think my constant "Really?! How do you not know what that is?!" started to piss him off. He pointed out that he has only been over 4 times where as I don't even know how many times I have gone over - a lot. The husband made the joke that there are Irish people who have spent less time in Dublin than me - he is not wrong. (Uh... Mom's Irish, Dad's English. Yes that happens. All the time actually.)  

One night at dinner the conversation drifted to how this difference came about. It turns out to be very simple. It was when my brother born that my parents fully, emotionally, committed to staying the US. That is when they started the citizenship process, and (most importantly) that is when they really embraced America culture.

By this time much of who I am was set. I drink tea every morning, I cannot start my day without it and I don't remember when I started drinking it I just always have (hello stereotype). I know the specific angst of picking up your cup thinking there is one last swig of tea only to discover there isn't. My brother barely drinks tea, and when he does he takes no milk (blech!). I have a very dry wit that is occasionally taken a bit literally by my friends here, causing me problems. I know what Ribena is and love digestive biscuits (Actually the "how do you not know what Ribena is?!" was the point my brother looked like he was going to smack me). I apologize when I have no reason to (so, SO, annoying as someone who did, in fact, grow up in America). I think the twitter very british problems (@soverybritish) is both hilarious & slightly painful. My speech pattern is different from my brother's, and there are all sorts of words that I pronounce in the British manner (a fact my friends have always taken glee in pointing out "Dude, say what this is?" while holding up a jar of herbs. Sigh). His voice is classically American, mine is not - nothing like having a director tell you to get training in american dialect because "you don't use it". Awesome (not the word that crossed my mind at the time). But on the upside, RP (standard British) came to me very quickly when I finally went to learn it, because I didn't have to learn it. I'd heard it my whole life and it was in there already.  

I think for my parents it was a surprise. The way things happened in our family meant that they had one classic immigrant child who's cultural understanding straddled both their parent's native and adopted cultures, and one child who is purely a creature of America. I don't really know how it made them feel... I know it makes me sad that my daughter seems to want nothing to do with tea (though she does like digestive biscuits!). On the other hand, I think my parents are more American than I am these days so maybe they haven't given it a thought since that dinner.  Perhaps we are really the picture of how immigrant families join their new culture?

The Pebble. So sad.

I really, really wanted to like my Pebble. I waited ages for it and it had so much promise... Promise. Not overly featured, simple, great battery life, design I actually want on my wrist, not a full computer (looking at you galaxy).  I shipped it back.

You see, I have an iPhone which means I just couldn't get the most out of that watch. Really this is because of decisions that Apple makes about it's product. I understand that the (relatively) closed system is the price I pay for my Apple addiction. BUT Pebble really didn't make clear just how much of a challenge I was going to have with the device up front. There are things that just don't work. Most of the apps require you to jailbreak your phone (all but one that I could find actually). Bummer, but I probably would have been okay with this had it been clear up front.

The connectivity issues are another thing; survivable before iOS 7 but so frequent after I found myself just keeping my phone on the desk again. Then there is the notifications not showing problem. An apparently known issue that is discussed frequently on the forums. Notifications on my wrist + Runkeeper integration is why I bought the thing. Hey Pebble pro-tip: telling you customers the solution notification problem is to do something called "the finger dance" where in one goes through and turns off and on all the notifications on my phone every single time the connection gets dropped isn't a solution. It is a sign that your product isn't production ready to pair with iPhones. It was annoying when I had to do it because I went out of bluetooth range, it made it unusable with the connectivity issues I had with iOS 7.

So back the Pebble went. I am once bitten twice shy on smartwatches now. I am going to sit back and see what happens with these over the next 12 months.